By Helga

One word. "Forward" button. Okay, that was two words. So sue me.

I am no spring chick myself but I never use that "forward" button in my email. Why others feel compelled to do it to me is a mystery. My "delete" button gets a workout and causes a dead-end to many an email chain letter. My "deleted items" folder is a repository of old jokes. And a tried-and-true dead end to many a chain letter.

Every time I get a forwarded email, it's from an old person (OP).

I've been around the block a few times, chicks and roosters. I remember the days of the hundredth-generation photocopies (or HGPs) of already stale cartoons of one sort or another. And then lo and behold the fax machine came on the scene, and we were subjected to a neverending stream of low-resolution faxes of HGPs (LRFHGPs), which of course were carried straight from the fax to the photocopier by the nearest OP to spawn a new generation of reprints. Let's refer to these as "speckled pages from hell" (SPFHs). We were lucky if we could even distinguish a vague outline of the original picture.

Now that everyone has email, the OPs are taking over the internet with their virtual SPFHs, or as we say in the trade VSPFHs. And not only do we get treated to some of the same jokes from the original HGP days but there is an ugly new twist to the ordeal: inspirational stories (ISs). Calculated to warm the cockles of your heart. These come from, you guessed it, OPs.

This morning I got the IS from an OP about a sick girl (SG) and her helper dog Queenie (HDQ). Not only had I already received the same IS more than a few times, but the OP who sent it to me this time apparently did not know me well enough to realize I fear and loathe dogs. In Las Vegas. I was somewhat less than inspired by the OP's IS. Well, that's not entirely true. I was inspired to exercised my "delete" button finger.

Okay, now that I think about it, maybe OPs should be allowed to use email after all. My finger is in the best shape it's ever been. And I confess I particularly enjoy the VSPFHs where the OP has sent it to everyone in her (yes, "her"—the forwarding OP (FOP) is usually a woman) address book. That way I get to see who all her friends are. But I get sad when I'm the only one on the "to:" line.

New rule: Only FOPs with lots of friends should be allowed to use email. The rest are just too pathetic.

This concludes the Four Fat Chicks Public Service Announcement.